Welcome to 2008! We're happy we've turned the corner, leaving 2007 and entering into another season of progress. I trust you all had great Christmas and New Year celebrations.
As you all know, we traveled to Arizona for our holidays. It was a much anticipated trip on all sides and was a true learning experience. Our flights were pretty good. Corbin did do fabulously on both flights, thank the Lord! We had a bit of trouble getting Danny transferred for the first flight, but overall, the travel portion went very smoothly.
That being said, it was a difficult trip for me personally. I had these expectations that perhaps Danny would break out of his shell, his depressed attitude and outlook on life; however, if anything, it only aggravated them. I thought that having a new view, something else to look at would give him a new perspective on his disability, but it didn't. I spent many nights crying and frustrated with him. As I asked you all to pray for me before our trip, my patience definitely ran dry while we were there. I was physically exhausted getting up with Danny multiple times during the night and then getting him ready every morning, which takes at least one and a half hours. I was drained physically, emotionally, mentally, and was overall on edge. That trip was a real eye opener for me and I didn't like what I saw.
I remember the nurse administrator that came to access Danny before we took him to Shepherd for inpatient care the first time. She asked me how involved I wanted to be in Danny's recovery. Without hesitation, I answered 110%, that I'd do anything. And, I have, but perhaps at the detriment to our relationship. I have become care giver and he has become patient and it sucks. I don't want it to be that way and I'm trying to reverse the change. I feel like all I ever do is tell Danny what he should be doing and how he should be feeling, trying to kick his butt in gear to do more to get out of that wheelchair. Yet, he seems to have resolved to do the minimum, the nine hours of Beyond Therapy a week and nothing more. And, here I am giving all that I am, sacrificing my time with friends and most importantly Corbin, to drag Danny through his recovery. I should not have to give him reasons to go on; he has them overflowing. I find myself quickly approaching a crossroads; how much longer can I do this?
I have two husbands; the one I married and the disabled one. At times, Danny is the man I married; caring, selfless, imaginative, tender. Then, the majority of the time, he is down, depressed, discouraged and those feelings are expressed in his behavior. I never know which one is coming to see me and perhaps that is why I always feel on edge, on the defense. Corbin is becoming much more aware of when Mama gets after Daddy and how long can I expose him to that without totally screwing him up? I have had several people of late tell me that they'd support me if I decided to leave Danny; people who I respect their walk with the Lord. It's weird to me because I know what they're saying, I understand where they are coming from, except God's promise has not changed. Too many people have told me the same word and according to them it's from the Lord. The word is "restored." Danny will be restored. God's not finished.
As you can see I am a woman torn; torn between what to define as justified; torn between the moments that my husband is as he always was and the man I don't know. Leaving the dark, depressed and hopeless feeling Danny would be difficult, but it is leaving the Danny I married, the one that I'm in love with that is impossible. I don't know what is up or down, left or right. I don't think anyone can answer all these questions for me except the Lord and right now, it's not time to make that decision; I am not at the crossroads yet. So, I'll keep pressing on with the strength of the Lord and I'll root my faith in Him and I'll close my ears to the world, only listening for His voice.
All these feelings being said, since our return, we've had small bumps in the road emotionally. Yet, in relation to Danny's therapy, he's had the best sessions since his casts were removed. Last week, he walked the fastest, with the most weight and the longest time on the Lokomat. He also walked the best in the pool and is doing better with each session. He has started to stand straighter and longer and I am truly proud of the effort that he is giving. He's doing so well, that they are going to start making him walk with the Argo walker again in the gymnasium. I am anxious to see how well he does. He has begun to use his left arm more and is definitely gaining strength and movement. He will voluntarily use it to help push his wheelchair and for other activities. There is certainly progress, slow as it can be, but progress nonetheless, so I am thankful.
On top of all the good therapy sessions, we're going to be moving soon! We closed today and the preparations are being made now. Painting will start later this week and some furniture is being delivered next week. It should be a busy few weeks, but I'm thrilled to be making a home again. I can only hope that Danny will be brighter as a result of having our own space and being able to participate in our lives as a family. I'm trying though not to get my hopes up too high; it is a delicate balance.
Because we're moving and there will be more participation on Danny's part concerning our everyday household activities and because Danny's schedule is about to be more structured with exercise and Beyond Therapy, we're looking for a care giver to help us. I need your help! As you all know from this blog, Danny needs a lot of care. Once we move, I'll be staying with Danny every night, getting up to turn him and help him be comfortable. So, taking on the day responsibilities on little consistent sleep will be too much for me, in addition to raising a toddler and working part time. So, if you all know anyone that is a Christian, has experience in care giving or nursing and may be able to help us out, please email me at dannyandallison@hotmail.com. Basic needs are shower, dress and feed in the mornings, drive to the gym three days a week, light housekeeping and laundry, and assisting Danny with his household duties and errands. Danny is a big boy, so a strong person is necessary and someone strong in their faith is even better. I basically need another me or another Loida. We're looking to hire someone in the next few weeks, so please pray that the Lord will provide the right person for Danny and for our home.
I don't really know what else to say except that I hope you all will not think less of me because I am so burned out that I second guess my commitment sometimes. It is an internal battle all the time and then I also realize it is a spiritual battle too. If you could continue to pray for me, but also pray for Danny. I know he is truly unhappy and it is difficult on him too. If Danny's mind and heart could change and his attitude, I could handle the physical limitations for the rest of our lives. Just continue to lift him up, that the Lord would break him and that he'd allow the Lord to use him as He sees fit.
Thank you all for letting me be so honest and thank you for your prayers and concern. I could not do it without so much support. God bless you all on earth and in heaven.
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