After the caca, comes the flowers.

I suppose a little explanation of the title may be in order. Those words were the conclusion that Corbin reached following a short lesson on how nasty flies can be, but how God uses the caca that flies land on to help the flowers and crops grow. You could see the little wheels in his brain working and out popped his summary; "after the caca, comes the flowers."


Now, I know all parents are busting their buttons at how brilliant they think their child is and there is often the parent comparison game at all play dates and parties. However, the Holy Spirit grabbed me with the deep spiritual suggestion of what he said. I guess if God can speak through a jackass, he can certainly use my angel Corbin to get my attention. Nonetheless, I am constantly reminded of God's love for me through Corbin.

I can not imagine God loving me more than I love Corbin and yet, He does and He shows me that in at least a small way everyday. It is the split second in conversation with Danny that I forget our circumstances. It is the unsolicited "I love you, Mama" from Corbin. God shows His love for me in the easy way schedules fall into place and even when I have a few moments to paint my toenails. He shows me through other's stories of courage and faith through their own journey (see http://www.katherineawolf.blogspot.com/). He confirms for me that He is there when funding suddenly arrives for that therapy invoice I just received. But, out of the mouths of babes, God nudges my faith; after the caca, comes the flowers.

I gotta tell you, it's about time we see some darn flowers. I mean, I need the Atlanta Botanical Gardens to show up at my front door. I live in a perpetual state of fear that I have to push back from the forefront of my thought or I'll go crazy. For a few short sentences, okay, perhaps a couple paragraphs, I'll let you in on my fears. Maybe if I air them out, it won't seem so scary or at least you'll know how to pray for this crazy lady.

Money: I know right now, everyone seems a bit nervous about their finances, but I gotta confess, I'm terrified. Now, I'm not holding out my Shriners' Circus bucket asking for your spare change, but just venting a bit. As I see the money in our checking account dwindle down each month, the money in my 401K go up in smoke and with no other savings, I panic. I'm in a connumdrum of sorts. I could work more hours, but I wouldn't make anymore money since I'd still be having to pay for a sitter for Corbin and an assistant for Danny. So, is there something I can do from home? Seriously, I can't even keep my toilets cleaned, much less spend time on the phone or computer trying to earn some extra cash.

Here's a biggie for you; when/if will Danny be able to work again? Will it even be lucrative since he will have to learn to overcome some cognitive deficiencies? Will we lose the disability that we get if he starts to work? What if he wants to work on motorcycles again (I'll save more on this subject for another post. It might take a few.)? We have no other back up plan in place, but holding out our bucket. And, honestly, it scares me to have to depend on you because you're just trying to make it for you and your own family. Why should you help us? And, if you can afford to help someone, what makes our need greater than someone else's?

How long will Danny have to be in therapy? I don't want to quit too early and him lose momentum, but I don't want to run us into the ground either. Wouldn't that be great to get him walking again only to fall into the debt pit that is so healthy for marriages? At this point, would it be good to quit Beyond Therapy and hire a personal trainer? Is he there yet? What is the right time?

Pause. I need to vomit now. Maybe this venting my fears thing wasn't such a good idea. It seems to making me feel more like caca and much less like flowers.

I can make it. Just keep typing. There is a revelation in all this confession, right?

Okay, now that Danny can ride in my car, we take it as much as possible. The problem is this though; his wheelchair doesn't fit in my trunk, so we have to put it in the back seat with Corbin. Thus, we can't have anyone else with us or any groceries either; even my purse gets shoved up under Danny's feet after he gets settled. Plus, my car is old, 1990 and has almost 185K miles on it. Now, granted, it is a Mercedes and they can go forever, but my Dad isn't here anymore to help keep it running well and Danny can't do it physically. So, bottom line to this whole paragraph, is it time to buy a new car?

The questions continue. Do we have the money to buy a car right now? Sure, but it would take a BIG chunk out of our pocket and see nervous comments about future funds above. My car is paid for so we have no car payment which is great. Do we really want to add something else to the outgoing column in our budget? No, I don't, but my car is not working for my family. So, do we buy new or used? Do we buy a car, a station wagon, a mini van or a SUV? What is right choice? And, more often than not, if I don't know what to do, I just don't do anything. However, we've been talking about a new(er) car for me for a long time, but I'm terrified to pull that trigger and have it come back to haunt me months down the road when I have to pull Danny out of Beyond Therapy prematurely.

Ahhhhh! And, that is only about money. I think I'll keep some other fears for other days before you all plan an intervention and men in white uniforms bring me the latest style of jacket, the straight kind. However, from all the questions, He is the Answer and by the life of my little boy, God tells me how much He loves me. If God loves me a fraction of what I love Corbin and I'm willing to walk through the wilderness for him, what more will my heavenly Father do for me?

He makes promises and keeps them all. Do you want to see one of the promises he made me? The verse is found in Isaiah 43:19.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Below, Danny is doing a new thing; a marvelous thing. This day brought a renewed sense of hope when my well was dry. And, after two hours of walking over ground (mostly with the walker), the two therapists helping Danny laid hands on him and thanked the Lord for what He has done in Danny's life.

God has planted seeds all along this journey. Some fell on the path, some in the thorns and some in the good soil. Lord, let us be like the good soil, producing a crop for your Kingdom.

After the caca, comes the flowers......Amen.

Delayed, but I'm here and you are too!

I love to read and I love a deal so I buy my books at Costco, but only paperback and only if it's an author I've heard of or if the cover intrigues me. It's all about the marketing.

Anyway, I have been reading more in the last year; only fiction as a means to escape from my reality and into someone else's tale. It works, keeping my mind on something else is nice.

Well, I happened by Costco and picked up a few paperbacks feeling confident in my selections. I read the first one by Harlan Coben (fabulous) and then picked up Nicholas Sparks "The Choice." Now, I hear all you "The Notebook" fans yelling at me that I would only be torturing myself with a Sparks novel, but I felt okay about reading a real love story. They aren't always happy endings which is true life, right?

I did read the back of "The Choice" and it was rather vague about the decisions this couple has to face to keep hope alive in their love, or something like that. The majority of the book was a flashback of sorts on the way the met, fell in love and what led this man to the hospital.

WARNING: If you haven't read the book and don't want it to be spoiled a bit, stop reading and pick up later in this post.

Anyway, Travis is in the hospital to see his wife who is a doctor, but she's not there working, she's been a patient for 84 days after a car accident rendered her comatose.

Oh, PERFECT! This is just great, what I've walked into, read into, whatever. Now, I have spent the time getting to know this fictitious couple and enjoying an eye into their relationship and blam! I find myself in this book.

Luckily, I didn't have to deal with the issue that Travis had to in the book. He either had to honor his wife's wishes for her feeding tube to be removed after twelve weeks or to ignore it and hope she wakes up. I won't spoil that for you, but it brought those early days of Danny's accident back to the forefront of my mind.

Danny and I were young when the accident happened; I guess we still are, but I feel old. Anyway, we didn't have wills or power of attorneys or living wills. Who'd thought we'd need something like that before our hair started to turn gray? However, months, probably years before Danny's accident, we happened to talk about what we'd want should something happen to us. I believe it was on the heels of the Terri Schaivo case that was a focal point of the media at that time. Danny told me he'd "rather be dead than stuck in a wheelchair."

Those words haunted me in the early and unknown days; have we outgrown the unknown days yet? No matter. I just knew Danny wouldn't want to live if he had a choice. Thankfully, it never came to a point where a choice of life as a vegetable or death had to be made. But, there were other choices that I tried to always do as I knew Danny would want me to do. But, could I have pulled his feeding tube? Could I have turned off the machines? Praise the Lord I didn't have to ponder those things.

But, reading this book and reading how this husband was dealing with his wife in a coma and not having answers; I understand it, been through it and have come out beaten, but not broken on the other side.

Danny continues to get better. Last week, he walked with a walker and two assistants outside. It was a big day and I was so proud of him. He has done so much walking recently at therapy; he walks in various ways at least two out of the three hours he is there. He has also been able to stand on a scale to get an accurate weight; he's at 225lbs. And, as long as I'm with him and it's just us or with Corbin, we ride in my car. He is able to transfer into the car with just my help and it's amazing what a difference it makes to his attitude.

It's been rather crazy lately what with travel schedules and Spring Break and doctor's appointments. If you recall from the last post, Corbin and I were heading down to the beach for a week. We did have a great time and Corbin loved the sand. The weather didn't hold up the whole time, but it was nice to get away. Of course, when we got back I developed strep throat and a sinus infection and the day after I went to the doctor, I had to take Corbin. He was diagnosed with another double ear infection. Fabulous! We survived and are now getting back in the swing of things and gearing up for summer.

Here are some pictures of our recent activities:

Strategic car maneuvering on the balcony at the beach house. Corbin did this several times a day. Notice he still has his pj's on, so he starts early. Also, Mom, look at what he is doing with his mouth. Wonder where he got that look of concentration from? Must be Danny:)

Our first walk on the beach. Corbin loved it and I got some great pictures.

Corbin's first moments in the ocean. About two swells later, he did a face plant into the sand. It's a new concept to learn that the sand washes away from under your feet. You should have seen the look of confusion on his face just a split second before he realized he was going to fall. Priceless!

Do I really need to say anything here? I mean, who doesn't love this face? He's just so darn cute!

Notice it is my child who is picking up the eggs at the church's Easter Egg Hunt. I was NOT one of those parents picking up eggs along with their child. Tacky.

The goods; about 14 eggs.

Look. It's the fake smile Corbin learned from Danny and Mom is just trying to remember to keep her chin up a bit to make sure it doesn't look like a double. Nonetheless, I love my boy!