New leaves

Honestly, I started a post a month ago and have kept adding to it and adding to it, but it's never felt complete. So, I'll start over. I will turn over a new leaf.

In more than one way, I want to turn over a new leaf.

No more Debbie Downer. No more ignoring me. No more battling what God isn't doing, rather teaming up with Him to do battle against what Satan is trying and failing to do. No more OCD behavior.

I know I've talked about this before, but I feel like I've lost myself in many ways and I'm tired of just making it by, of just hoping things come together alright and walking out the door.

It's time to Spring Clean, this fall. Take the old and make it new.

I cut my hair, shorter and sassier and it's more red. I can do it up different ways and it takes me less time.

My clothes; they need a facelift too. I'm tired of staring at my closet and just putting something on that matches. Where did this proclaimed fashion police go to? I go in and put something on because I have to, but there aren't those things that make you feel good, feel beautiful. I know you women know what I'm talking about. Those outfits that make you walk a bit taller with a bit more confidence because you know it looks good on you; that is what I'm talking about. I don't have that anymore.

It's not that I don' t have nice clothes, but almost like I don't know what to do with them anymore to make them fabulous. My fashionista touch is gone, along with my own needs.

If I spend money on clothes, it's for Danny or for Corbin because in my strange mind, it's justified if it's for them. If I buy something for me, I'm ridden with guilt. I have buyer's remorse and then I don't enjoy it.

The reality is, that I deserve to feel beautiful. We all do, no matter what murky water we have to trudge through our day. At least, we'll look nice doing it.

It's time to turn a new leaf, a new style, a new me.

I throw my hands up in the air and give it all up to God. I don't want it anymore. I don't want the stress, the drama, the responsibility, none of it. I'm done. I quit.

And, you know what? God can do it. He will do it. He has and He does.

Not for my own glory, but for His.

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I often get aggravated with Danny for not seeing himself as "worth" his healing. I get tired of the victim mentality. It's a downer. Nobody likes to be around a downer.

But, you know what? When I really take a moment to reflect, I am the same as he is, just different characters in the same play; different leaves on the same dying branch.

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We laugh because otherwise you'll cry all the time. And, most of the time, Corbin is our entertainer.

For instance, how do boys inherently know that bodily functions are funny? My little four year old angel comes out of his room and says "hey, guys. look at this." raises his hip and promptly poots, and then bursts out in full on belly laughter. This only pales in comparison to the hilarity of trying to stick his bum in my face and pooting which adds tears of laughter to the mix.

I laugh too. Just because I'm a mom and in a tough spot, do I have to be so serious?

Corbin had me and Danny dying in laughter the other night too. Corbin was in the bath, doing what all boys do when they're naked; grabbing the goods. He suddenly tells me that he has beans in his bean bag. Did I hear him correctly? I look at Danny like "did you teach him that?" and all Danny can do is not laugh himself out of his wheelchair. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to laugh too hard so as not to encourage Corbin to repeat this anywhere.

Won't Corbin love me sharing all these stories when he's entering adolescence? Or at his rehearsal dinner? Isn't that going to be fun?

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I don't want to cry. I don't want to fight. I don't want to ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to spend any more time giving Satan the pleasure of putting this cloud over our lives.

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1. I'm glad that Danny lived



2. I'm glad that Corbin is healthy



3. I'm glad that Corbin loves his Daddy so much that he doesn't see a wheelchair



4. I'm glad that we have parents that love us just shy of only what God can



5. I'm glad that people find it in their hearts to give their hard earned money to Danny's recovery



6. I'm glad that I don't have to feed Danny through a tube, but that we can all sit down at the table and eat together



7. I'm glad to hear Corbin tell Danny that he loves him, out of the blue



8. I'm glad that Corbin doesn't remember the really dark, hard times



9. I'm glad that I can sleep next to my husband, even if I have to wake up with him during the night, he's still there



10. I'm glad that we've gained friends that love us in spite of the hardships



11. I'm glad that my husband is a fighter, for himself and for his family



12. I'm glad that strangers offer assistance because they see a need



13. I'm glad that I don't get so uptight about having to wait in line; there are just some things more important in life



14. I'm glad that when I doubt, when I feel lost and I cry out, God answers



15. I'm glad there are seasons in life and we can turn our leaves

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"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2

Drawing a blank

Seriously, I am drawing a blank. It's like there is so much in my head, but only a small opening to which it can gush out of there. So, what comes out first? It's all churning and turning, like the lottery numbers, not sure what is going to eventually spit out at you.

Perhaps I should start with some basics? Basic. Basic. Basic? Yea, still drawing a blank on what is basic in our life. Everything is colored with that black crayon; all the shapes and outlines look normal and familiar, but there is no color.

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Well, Corbin is the Crayola Crayon box of light in our lives and that sweet boy started school this week.

He seemed to have a good first day; however, he did confess to a single time out visit before we were even out of the parking lot. Guilty conscience, I guess. Apparently, he and one of the new boys were chasing each other during circle time. You have to watch out for those new kids.

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Additionally, Corbin and I vacated GA for a week and headed west to AZ before school started. It was nice to be with family and it was even better to see Corbin play until exhaustion with his cousins; all boys! I will spare you pictures of me in a bathing suit, but here are a few shots from our trip.

Corbin finally letting go of the wall and getting in open water. Nothing like a little healthy peer/cousin pressure.

My nephews and Corbin. Even without the matching hair cuts, I think they definitely can't deny their genes.


Dad and I took Corbin and B to Peter Piper for bad pizza and fun games. B actually took this picture of us.

Mom and I took a cooking class together which was a lot of fun.

Corbin adores his Papa and often uses missing him as an excuse for bad behavior. It's so funny to me how he inherently figures out how to pull the strings. Corbin gets in trouble, he is crying/whining and says "I just miss Grammy and Papa." The first time he said it, I burst out laughing.

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As expected, Danny survived while we were gone, although I know he missed us. He continues to make improvements in therapy and has even transitioned some of those to the home.

While we were in AZ, Danny's mom called to tell me that he'd done something new at home. Apparently, he got the notion that he wanted to try to hold onto the bar in the kitchen and stand up to stretch his legs and back. He didn't tell anyone what he was doing until the last moment and wound up standing for about four minutes at the counter. I love it when he takes initiative.

However, I wasn't too thrilled when last night while I was tucking Corbin back into bed, he decided to try to stand up out of his chair. No one around, no walker or anything else to hold on to; he was practically upright when I walked back into our room. The only body part touching his wheelchair was his hands on the wheels. Thankfully, after a mild slip into mothering him, did he realize that wasn't the best idea, but he just wanted to see if he could do it.

What he did do today though was big news! In therapy, he climbed up and down a flight of stairs twice. A grand first and according to Candy, a "good day for Big D."

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Speaking of Candy, I have to mention how well the filming went for the promotional video. The interviews with Dr. Kaelin and Candy went better than expected and I am trying to figure out how they're going to whittle down the footage. My interview went okay to me, perfect to them, but it was very difficult and I just hope I conveyed all that I really wanted to. Danny and I also had a joint interview which went well considering Danny has always hated to have his picture taken, which is exaggerated now. He is shy about talking sometimes because he doesn't think people can understand him and at times, it takes him a while to get a thought out of his mouth. However, he did well and it should be good for you all to hear a bit from him too.

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We're finalizing our logo now and then work will be done for the Web site. I'm really excited to debut it all to you and hopefully raise some awareness, some funds and have fun in the process.

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Speaking of fun and funds, we're having another golf tournament next month, October 19th at Bridgemill Country Club. We're finalizing the flyer and on line registration now, as we're having to have the NTAF folks approve it for contributors' tax deduction purposes. Once that is complete, I'll include the link above in the "Mark Your Calendars" section.

Also, if you ride or know someone that does, Killer Creek Harley Davidson is holding their 3rd Annual Beau Memorial Ride with all proceeds going to Danny. It will be held on Sunday, October 25th and registration begins at 4pm. You can find details above and on the sidebar.

We hope you all will try to attend one of these events or you can always donate via our NTAF Web site. Information is at the bottom of this page.

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I'd like to ask you all to pray for me. Lately, I have felt like I'm at my wit's end and have begun questioning life and God a lot. None of this really makes any sense to me; why this happened or what we're supposed to do with it or how long is this going to last? Will it end on earth or in heaven? Can I make it? As I said in my previous post, there are always more questions than there are answers. Going into Year Five, I think I feel very helpless and am beginning to have to push away thoughts of doubt. Doubt of what? Everything. I know God is here and has been. I know He has a plan and He has Promises, but how does that translate into my life? My faith waivers and yet through praise I am bolstered only to have the bottom fall out again. I'm tired of the cycle, the rollercoaster, the unknown. I want to be smack dab in the middle of God's will and I need and am ready for Him to reveal His purpose so we can be used for His glory. I'm done with this chapter and want to move on to the next, so what's the hold up?

I'm still drawing a blank.