August 16, 2007

Today we mark two years; 730 days since Danny's accident. I'm not even sure what to write except that I hate this. It is certainly not something I would choose to do; who would? I know the Lord is working it for our good, for a purpose greater than ourselves and I'm blessed to be used by Him; but I still hate it had to be this way.

Danny asked me yesterday morning what his plans were for the day; he was scheduled for therapy at 1 o'clock. I tried to encourage him; "just think, we're one day closer." He replied "But no one can tell me how many days are left to go. This is getting old." He's right, as usual. It is getting old. I'm so frustrated I can hardly stand it, but I can't give up now. I've invested two years to getting our life back to a simblance of normal and we're not there yet.

We want our own space, our own place, with our own things. We want to sleep in the same bed together. We need a different view; perhaps it will help pull us up out of this feeling of being trapped by this situation. We want Corbin to see Mama and Daddy sleep in the same room; to be able to crawl in bed with us both when he has a bad dream. We want him to know that his family is the three of us and for him to have an order and structure to his little life. We want privacy and quiet; to be be loud if we want to without feeling like we're being disruptive. Is this too much to ask?

Danny IS getting stronger, week by week. His memory surprises me sometimes; he has lost many memories that happened prior to his accident, but he is creating new memories and these are the ones that are sticking with him better. I find that encouraging and refreshing; I don't have to repeat myself so many times.

In Beyond Therapy, progress is being made. Danny still gets down in the dumps because "it's not fast enough" for him. Duh! It isn't fast enough for any of us.

He is:

• Back on the FES bike. His therapists had taken him off of it for a couple weeks because he wasn't able to tolerate it. Therefore, he wasn't getting the full benefit. However, he did great on it last Friday; completing the whole hour.


• Not dragging his toes while in the Lokomat. Initially, Danny dragged his toes on the follow through because his ankles were so tight. While they are still tight, he is now able to pick them up through the step and that is an obvious improvement.


• On the Giger at least twice a week and last Friday, set his best record; 1501 revolutions in about 35 minutes. The Giger is completely manual and Danny is now required to only use his left arm and legs to power it. He is also required to do crunches while pedaling to engage the abs, making his trunk stronger.


• Using his left arm more both at therapy and at home. He is moving it for every day needs and has shown incredible improvement during therapy. Piggy-backing on the left arm movement, Danny is also beginning to use both his arms to wheel himself around without prompting. He still struggles to get his elbow back far enough to get a strong push with the left arm, but it is improving.


• Without toe straps. His therapists believe it will encourage more movement of his legs and feet. He is not happy about this new adjustment, more for his right leg than his left. His left leg is strong and he can place his foot where he wants to. However, the right foot slides forward and he has to help pull it back with his arm. While this is frustrating to him, he is having to move both his upper extremities and his lower in order to keep his feet on the footrests.


• Standing longer and straighter. Last Friday, he stood for a whole hour, taking short breaks after many repetitions of mini squats, shifting his weight leg to leg, hitting a balloon back and forth, and throwing punches. He is still not able to hit the balloon or box with his left arm, but with his right, he is very strong. He was able to stand straight up while punching and hitting the balloon. This shows great improvement in his abs, back muscles; well, his whole middle!

I'm so proud of the effort he is giving while at Beyond Therapy. It truly has made a difference in his physical abilities and it can only get better. However, saying all that, I'm still waiting for him to get motivated to do some therapy things at home. For some reason, he just isn't initiating exercise. He can stand in the standing frame, reach for cones, use bands to do arm work and stretch his ankles, but he doesn't. I can't imagine how much further along he might be if he'd just get busy at home too.

Back to the anniversary, there is a scream lodged in my chest. You know when there are no words to voice how you feel in that exact moment; when you just feel a yell coming on hoping it'll relieve some pressure that has built up inside you? Well, that's me. Of course, I can't do that right now at work and really can't do it at home either unless I scream into my pillow. But, who has time to do that between keeping Danny taken care of and making sure Corbin is cared for too. It's not like I want either one of them to see me crack for a minute. Danny does sometimes, but then he just takes it all upon him; "it's all my fault." Then, while I know it's okay for Corbin to see Mommy cry sometimes, it breaks my heart when he looks at me and says "okay?"

I just hope Corbin doesn't remember this time of his life. Corbin calls other women "Mama" sometimes. That does wonders for me....just kidding! I just want to cry when he pays no attention to the fact that Mama just got home from work. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was supposed to stay home with him while Danny worked and provided. Both of us want it to be that way one day and perhaps it will, but we don't know for sure. Where does that leave me? I've always wanted to be a wife and stay at home mom; but now, I may have to work outside the home for the rest of our lives. I don't want to. When will God give us the desires of our hearts? I know he will; His Word promises it. But, like Danny, I want to know when, how much longer.

Speaking of my angel baby Corbin, he has a birthday coming up next month. #2! He is talking a lot and now says "I love you too" and he counts to ten in both Spanish and English. He still loves trucks and music and especially outside. It doesn't seem to matter the weather, that child wants to go outside. It's been hovering around 100 degrees for the last couple of weeks, but he doesn't care. Although this whole situation seems endless, Corbin is what helps me get through it day by day. Spending a few moments with him gives me strength to keep going. If not for Danny, if not for myself, it is for Corbin. He deserves to know how excellent his father is, how much we will do for him, and to trust in the love his parents have for him and for each other.

Onto more uplifting news, the golf tournament is on Monday, August 20th. We have already signed up more players than we had last year, so that is a success in and of itself. I thank you all for participating in any fashion and I look forward to seeing you on Monday.

Also, we have filed a suit surrounding Danny's accident. Please pray for wisdom and for God to work through this mess for our provision.

On a closing note, I know that this chapter will end. We will see Danny recover and we will be free. I cannot imagine the day when I do not have to do all that I do for Danny; when I can sleep through the night without turning him in bed or helping him to the bathroom, when he can take himself to brush his teeth, cut up his own food, drive, help with Corbin, pay the bills, get my car fixed and washed, change our cell plan, mow the grass, do the laundry, work, snuggle in bed, laugh again, pick up Corbin when he falls, take me out on a date, go on vacation anywhere. I can't wait.

Please continue to bang on heaven's door for us. The battle is strong, but I know it has already been won by Him who sits on the throne, who rose on the third day and who is my shield and my salvation.